"This is my prayer in the desert // When all that's within me feels dry //
This is my prayer in my hunger and need // My God is the God who provides"
Have you ever heard this song? Desert Song, originally sung by Hillsong? For a season of time, back in 2014, it was pretty much my mantra, my “song of the summer”, if you will.
I’ve led a pretty exciting life filled with travel and adventure; I’ve lived in cool locations and have enjoyed the harvest of many instances of faith in seemingly impossible circumstances. But, that’s for another time. You need stories focusing on faith, my family could be your go-to.
Anyway, as I mentioned, The Desert Song has been off and on repeat as of late. ‘Cause I’m in one. I’m in the thick of it, Ladies. In fact, the Lord and I have been on sparse speaking terms recently. You see, as I mentioned, I’m 32 and you may have noticed I’m not wearing a ring on that specific finger on my left hand? Yep, it’s not supposed to be like that. Singleness, for me, even in the midst of all of God’s good, was not part of my plan. And to top it all off, a breakup (with someone I thought would be my husband) at 32 wasn’t ideal, either.
In the past five months I have walked through loneliness the likes of which I have never felt before. When Rob mentioned singles in the Bay Area as possibly being one of the loneliest populations, he was right. I’m older than singles in their 20s and I can’t really relate to friends who are my age, with little ones. I don’t even have a someone to bring with me after church to eat lunch with the other couples (as if I needed one).
What was seemingly never part of my plan… has become the plan. And it’s lonely. And I’m anxious. And I’ve asked the “why” questions. And the “what for.” Ya’ll I have bargained. Don’t doubt that I have listed my accomplishments in chronological order, just to make sure the Lord was fully aware of where I was supposed to be. And guess what? After months of prayer and days of crying… After about 98 angry rants at the Lord, Ladies, I don’t know what the end of my desert looks like. And I have yet to be told why. I don’t know why the miscarriage came at 10 weeks for a dear friend, or why the seventh miscarriage came for another. I don’t know why your son or daughter hasn’t yet come to know the gracious love of Jesus after all your years of interceding. And the lost job? Foreclosed house? Nope.
But I do know that my God is greater than any loneliness I feel or have felt. I have a God who understands my broken heart and my confusion when I wonder why my path curved this way; why it’s just me and Him, not me, Him, and a spouse. Because I guess instead of “why”, I should be focusing on the deeper “what’s the purpose?” Because that answer is simple: If I’m always comfortable, what’s my need for a Comforter?
Because I had something else on the pedestal of my heart and I needed to be reminded Who belonged there. Because no ring or earthly feeling of protection can replace the eternal solace I find only in my God – my unfailing, all-knowing, all-relating God.
I don’t feel much like singing these days. I don’t feel much like having my quiet time. Sometimes I’m not sure what there is to talk about when I’m in this weird area of the in-between. But we’re walking it, together. He’s not giving up on me and I’m not giving up on Him. I’m learning to lean into Him more and more daily because it is my only option and my only hope. I’m learning to walk in faith, even when I don’t see anything but empty air on the road before me. I am in an unmarked and vast desert. But He is there with me. He hasn’t left me. So, I only rejoice. He is my victory and thankfully He will be the song of my heart when words just don’t come.